peitience is a virtue

I’m scared that death will make me cold and bitter. After my dad’s brother’s passing I think my dad had a length of time when he was just very angry with the world. Life just wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t the doctors save his brother? That phase ended when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He stayed optimistic, at least outwardly. Whenever he was feeling up to it he went out for a drive and ate as much sushi as he could stuff into his belly. I know he left with his mind and heart at peace. 

But I am not at peace. I tell myself as often as I can that my dad left with no pain, and that if he had lived longer he would have only been in more agony. I can’t help but look at happy people with a mean glare and look at sad people with an even meaner look wondering what little problem has got their panties in a bunch. I know it’s wrong of me to do that and I know everyone has felt pain and sorrow at least once in their lives. I am just in that phase of anger that my dad was in. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that he is no longer suffering. I can’t help it- I want more time.

I hope this phase doesn’t last long. I guess we shall see.